Helping Kids & Teens Ride the Emotional Waves: Highlights from Our Conversation with Dr. Nicole Danforth

On June 10th, Jane Does Well hosted a powerful and deeply insightful Zoom session with Dr. Nicole Danforth, child psychiatrist and longtime leader of The Resilience Project at Newton-Wellesley Hospital. Drawing on more than a decade of experience working with parents and kids, Dr. Danforth provided compassionate, practical guidance on one of the most important (and often most overwhelming) challenges of parenting—helping our children and teens learn to regulate their emotions.

This was not a checklist of “how to fix your child.” Rather, it was a thoughtful, science-backed, and deeply human conversation about how to show up for your kids—especially during difficult transitions like divorce—and how to cultivate a home environment that supports emotional growth and resilience.

Why Emotional Regulation Matters

Dr. Danforth reminded us that emotional regulation is not just a parenting technique—it’s a life skill. It helps children and teens manage big feelings, make better decisions, communicate more effectively, and form deeper connections with those around them.

Importantly, dysregulation—those moments when emotions take over and kids melt down—is completely normal. In fact, it’s expected. Our job as parents isn’t to eliminate the hard feelings or fix every upset, but to help our kids learn to tolerate and navigate them—to “ride the wave” instead of fighting against it.

As Dr. Danforth put it:

“Regulation skills can be taught and practiced. Our job isn’t to make big feelings go away, it’s to help our children learn to manage them—and to stay steady while they do.”

Connection Over Correction

One of the most resonant themes of Dr. Danforth's presentation was the concept of connection as the foundation for resilience. Before we jump into problem-solving, planning, or correcting behavior, we need to collect our kids—through eye contact, presence, calmness, and genuine curiosity.

Behavior, Dr. Danforth emphasized, is a form of communication. Rather than viewing challenging behaviors as something to extinguish, we can learn to view them as windows into unmet needs.

“Your child is not giving you a hard time—they’re having a hard time.”

This simple reframing can shift our mindset from control to compassion. When we approach parenting with empathy and curiosity—becoming what she called “compassionate detectives”—we become far more effective in meeting our children where they are.

The Role of Temperament and Realistic Expectations

Every child is born with a unique temperament. Some are easygoing, others more reactive or slow to warm up. There’s no “better” personality type—just different wiring. The key is finding the “goodness of fit” between your child’s temperament and your parenting style.

She challenged us to ask:

• Am I parenting the child I have, or the child I wish I had?

• Are my expectations clear, realistic, and age-appropriate?

• Am I modeling the regulation skills I want my kids to develop?

Dr. Danforth also reminded us that modeling matters more than lecturing. If we want emotionally regulated children, we have to work on our own emotional regulation, too—taking deep breaths, pausing before reacting, and showing ourselves the same compassion we offer our kids.

Tools & Takeaways

Among the many strategies discussed, here are just a few that stuck with our audience:

• Name it to tame it: Help your child identify and label their feelings. (“You seem worried… want to talk about it?”)

• Use the 3 H’s: Ask if your child wants a hug, help, or just to be heard.

• Natural consequences > punishment: Let experience be the teacher when safe to do so.

• Regulate before you educate: Don’t try to solve a problem mid-meltdown. Stay present, calm, and connected.

• Positive anchor statements: “My child is having a hard time, not giving me a hard time.”

When to Seek Help

Dr. Danforth also addressed red flags that may signal a need for professional support—such as risky behaviors, prolonged withdrawal, or expressions of hopelessness. As parents, trust your instincts. You know your child best, and you’re not alone in this journey.

Learn More Through The Resilience Project

Dr. Danforth’s work is part of The Resilience Project at Newton-Wellesley Hospital, a remarkable community health initiative offering education and support for parents, caregivers, and professionals working with children and adolescents.

If you want to dive deeper into building resilience in kids and teens, we encourage you to explore more of their courses, workshops and other offerings:

  The Resilience Project

In Closing

Parenting through big transitions like divorce can leave you feeling overwhelmed, but as Dr. Danforth reminded us: you are your child’s constant. Your presence, your steadiness, and your willingness to show up—especially in tough moments—can help shape a more resilient, emotionally aware next generation.

Let’s keep building that connection. Let’s keep learning together.

If you missed the session, stay tuned for more opportunities like this. We’re honored to continue bringing expert voices to our community—to inform, empower, and support you every step of the way. Check our calendar frequently for exciting upcoming events & workshops!

By Megan Bresnehan | Director of Digital Strategy & Communications, Jane Does Well